Thought on Helping Your Child Adjust to You

Everything about us is different to our daughters when we first meet. Our smell, our sounds, our big noses, the type of clothing we're wearing, all are bewildering. To a very young infant the changes may be less noticeable, but now that the babies from China are around one year or even older at placement, these differences may cause fright. In our group, January 1998, many of the babies had a tough time for the first day or three. I've been thinking a lot about this, and have come up with some ideas on making the transition easier for them. Some of these things I Did for Peri, others I wish I had done. Maybe they will help you.

Smell: perhaps the first sense a baby relies on. newborns can distinguish their mother's breast pads from another mother's, within a few hours of birth. Because breath and body odours come from the food we eat, I made sure to eat as great a variety of Chinese food as I could when we arrived in Beijing, even though I was jetlagged and wanted just to skip dinner and go to bed. I don't wear perfumes or fragranced cosmetics, or use fragranced fabric softeners on my clothing anyway, and I didn't wash my hair the morning of the day we met. I wish that I had taken it one step further and worn the same clothes I had worn to the restaurant the night before. You don't have to look posh at that first meeting.

Sound: while we will never be able to duplicate a Chinese accent, learning a few phrases in a Chinese tongue to soothe your baby could be a big help. Ask Chinese parents in your community what they say to calm their babies, and try to imitate it. I did a bit of this but not enough - I soon ran out of things to say, and had to rely on my traveller's phrases. I figured she may have never before heard anyone ask her "where's the bathroom," but at least it was Chinese! She still loves to hear people speak Chinese - she's very alert and attentive to TV news segments with Chinese speakers, our language tapes, and anyone we come across in our travels who speaks Chinese.

Sight: not much we can do about our big noses, eh? Short of plastic surgery, there is one thing. Infant psychologists have identified two "styles" babies have to learn about their surroundings: proximal and distal.

Proximal means they get up close and personal to learn more – its the style of babies who are accustom-ed to being held and cuddled a lot. Distal means what it sounds like – they want to watch from a few feet away first, to figure out "friend or foe". We can't really know right away which style our daughters are used to, but it doesn't matter because in both cases, the same situation applies. The proximal babies can only get up close and personal while in the arms of someone they already trust.

So what's it all mean?

The first moment you meet, it might be a good idea to hold her away from your body for a half a minute or so, to let her focus on your face. Even though you're longing for this moment, give her a little time to look at you, and don't hold her close to you the very first instant. Gradually move her closer for a cuddle. If she has a nanny, speak to your daughter and let her look at you while she's still in the nanny's arms, before you take her.

So many other new things that first day – a bath, a male caregiver, different feeding styles, less clothing – any of them may be frightening to your daughter. Try to see things from her (panicky!) point of view and go slowly. Get in the tub with her the first few times. Delay washing her hair for a day or two. Sing, walk, rock her to sleep - in this transition time you can't possibly spoil her. Wrap her up and hold her snug against you. Daddy, if she doesn't warm to you right away, don't be hurt. She may never have met a man before. If this happens, be a persistent assistant Caregiver to your partner and soon she'll be daddy's girl.

Feeding styles are a whole separate topic. Very little information was given to us about what our babies ate, when, and how. One couple in our group agonized for days because their daughter refused formula and milk no matter what they did; bottles, cups, different nipples, different mixes of formula and powdered milk. Several days went by, where they grew more and more concerned with her nutrition, then finally they discovered the secret: -- she only wanted her milk from a bowl!  Our daughter, from the same orphanage, went through a less severe version – she took a bottle very slowly and without enthusiasm. On the third day I gave her water in a training cup, and from then on she refused the bottle entirely. We switched to milk from a cup.

Despite all this, if your daughter is distraught when you first meet, and grieves her previous caregivers, try to take comfort from the fact that that is a good sign. It means she was well loved, and attached to her caregivers. Soon that attachment will transfer to you, and she will "adopt" you. With patience and love, your little one will blossom and thrive. It will only be two or three days before she will smile when she sees you, laugh when you play with her, and look to you above all others, for comfort. 

Kathie and Tim travelled to China in January, 1998 to receive their daughter Peregryn