Risa Fast Forward 18 Months

It has been 18 months since I wrote my first article about Risa. How she has changed in that time, in ways that cannot be attributed to time and maturity alone. Emotionally, she has matured much more than 18 months. Life with Risa continues to be a challenge. My husband and I cannot view her with the same spectacles as we do our other two daughters, and we do need to adjust our expectations of her to suit the situation. However, there is a flow and an ease to our interactions with her that were simply nonexistent a few short months ago.

Eighteen months ago, I would have described Risa as bright, happy, spirited, and affectionate. I would also have said she was anxiety-ridden, tense, angry, controlling, and demanding. I would have described days in which my husband and I were always on our toes, wondering when the next tantrum would occur and how long it would last when it did appear (half an hour?  an hour? two hours?). I would have lamented our inability to follow through on the simplest of family activities because of Risa’s ability to hijack any situation by instantly switching from a compliant mood to one of outright defiance. I would have talked of how her two older sisters resented her presence at times, because her moods were so pivotal to the peace and happiness (or lack thereof) within our home. I would have described a highly verbal child who could talk at length on a variety of subjects, but who lacked basic vocabulary to describe how she felt. I would have described a child who seemed to want to trust, but just didn’t know how to release her defenses enough to do it.

How would I describe Risa today?  She is 5 years old, and will turn 6 this summer. She is bright, spirited, opinionated, loving, and has a newly formed, true zest for life. She is also temperamental, demanding, stubborn and emotionally volatile at times. She still tantrums, though not daily anymore, and typically the tantrums last minutes instead of hours. She shows the zeal and initiative that you only see in a child who is developing true self-confidence. Before, she simply tried to control the people around her. She seemed to lack qualities of kindness and respect for others, even on the most rudimentary level.

Today, she has new-found desire to give of herself within relationships in order to have them continue on a positive level. She has grown from a child who resisted physical closeness to one who is very comfortable with it, even seeming to crave it at times. She is full of hugs and kisses for her family, especially Mommy.

It’s hard to pinpoint when or how these changes started to occur in Risa. They have come over time, bit by bit. Risa has shown tremendous desire and determination to overcome her fears and anxieties, and move into a new, more confident self. In the past when she approached a situation that was threatening to her, the conflict that she felt was often very evident. At such times she would stop what she was doing, tense herself all over, try not to cry or tantrum, and mutter to herself in an apparent effort to self-calm. Today the cues are more subtle, and she is usually able to verbalize her anxieties so that we can address them before a complete meltdown occurs. The exception to this rule seems to be when she is stressed or when her defenses are down (when she is tired; when she is coming into or coming off illness; when she has a bad day at school). At these times, Risa seems to instantly regress in her behaviours, and she becomes the volatile and demanding child of yesterday.

As parents, we have made an effort to tell people as much as possible about Risa’s attachment issues. Without hesitation but without giving away private details, we have tried to educate family members, friends, teachers, and others about Risa. We might say something as simple as “We feel that Risa did not receive care best suited to her needs before she entered our family. This has led to a lot of anxiety for her.”, or “Don’t be surprised if Risa seems very clingy towards her mom – that’s just where she feels best in crowds or new situations.”  By telling people about her special needs, we have found support and a real willingness amongst people to help Risa. This in turn, has made Risa feel very supported in social situations, and has contributed to her willingness to open up more and more to the people around her.

We try as much as possible to make Risa’s routines consistent in their timelines, their order, and in the expectations we have of her within them. We are very clear with her about what is coming up for the day, where we might be going, what her role will be, and what the expectations will be for her. We are in trouble if we forget this step when we are venturing out the door!  If she is unprepared, we can be assured that Risa will be clingy, controlling, and demanding as her anxiety will skyrocket in any situation that is outside of the daily routine. Risa needs to talk through situations beforehand, exploring all the “what if’s?” that she can think of before she is ready to take a step forward. She still  needs continual assurance that she is loved and loveable, and that the mistakes that she makes will not lessen her worth in people’s eyes. How many times a week does she ask me “Mommy, do you love me even when I tantrum?”   

When Risa entered school last year, we hoped but didn’t fully expect that she would form good peer relationships, and we hoped that her anxiety would not interfere with learning. She brought home her latest report card this week. In the second term of kindergarten, she is “developing as expected” in all areas. The teacher’s comments indicate that Risa gets along well with classmates and that she accepts responsibility well. This is encouraging for any parent, but to these parents it means that Risa has grown by leaps and bounds in confidence and self-security.

My husband and I often talk of how far Risa has come in the last 18 months and how proud we are of her. We used to hope that she would become a child with a full and secure attachment, a child with enough confidence and trust in her world to go forth without fear or anxiety. We no longer hope that she will reach this goal. Now, we expect it.

To those parents who suspect attachment issues in their child, there is a wealth of information out there for you. Many books are available. The one that we used and found very helpful is tilted Attaching in Adoption, by Deborah Gray, published in 2002.